I know a lot of you only follow me to see pretty pictures (and that is totally cool) but I write today’s blog with tears in my eyes and a heaviness on my heart that I can’t even begin to understand.
I believe God graced me with this platform as a way of speaking to the masses about what is on my heart and right now my heart is heavy with words I am not sure I am ready to say but with words that need to be said non the less. As many of you have probably heard we unexpectedly lost my cousin last week. A kind hearted, quick to make us smile, son, brother, uncle, cousin and friend who’s life had barely just began. I have been searching for the perfect words to describe how I am feeling or the perfect phrase to encompass what I feel compelled to say, but there is no such thing as perfect so instead I am simply sharing what is on my heart – the unedited, raw truth in a letter to Devin.
I took a walk today in the hopes of clearing my head, but the more I wandered, the lonelier I became. I kept trying to understand what was going on inside your mind. What could have been so scary that leaving everything you have ever known was where you hoped you would find peace. Yet I guess that is the answer.
Maybe it was the unknown that held more promises of hope than what you knew ever did. Is it selfish of me to want you to explain something that I can’t even begin to understand? I know I am selfish for wanting you back and I am selfish for missing you. I’m selfish for wishing things never would have went so wrong. Some say you are selfish for what you did, but I don’t get how they could ever blame someone who was so hurt that missing out on tomorrow was their way of healing today.
Selfishly, I wish we could go back and show you how things will get better in time. I wish I could have shared my own fights with anxiety, depression and the struggles of hiding it from the people around me. I wish I could have explained how to see the light when you feel completely surrounded by the darkness. I wish I could have shown you how much you had to look forward to in this life.
But all of those selfish desires are about wanting to turn back time – something none of us can change. Now as you make your way up to the golden gates, we can only look ahead with hope in our hearts.
I hope that you find a way to share a little bit of your new found peace with the ones who’s hearts are hurting from your absence back here on earth. I hope that you were reunited with our loved ones up in heaven and that they had a nice (and loud) Dodge just waiting for your arrival. I hope that one day when my own time comes that you are waiting at the gate for the hug that I so desperately want to give you. But above all else, I wish with all my heart that you have finally found everlasting peace in the arms of our Lord.
This isn’t how any of us expected your life to go, but know that even though our time together was much shorter than we wanted, it was full of memories that I will cherish forever.
Love and miss you always,
If you are reading this and you are struggling with mental health issues, know that you are never alone. Never give up fighting. It is never too late to get help. There is so much of your story that has yet to be written and even though you may not see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet, trust me it is there and it is better than you could ever imagine. We (your family, your friends, your colleagues, your peers, even strangers) are here for you. I am here for you.